http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html?mod=WSJ_hp_MIDDLENexttoWhatsNewsTop
When Gerald read excerpts from this article this first thing I felt was “inadequate.” I have not had, nor do I expect to have a valedictorian or a violin prodigy. In fact the one child who was interested in violin we steered her to viola because it is less competitive and quite frankly a less squeaky instrument for a child to learn. While my children’s report cards have consisted primarily of “A’s” there have been times that they had “B’s” and even occasionally a “C” (gasp!). Does this make me a bad mom?
Of course I’m reading into this, but it seems according to the article that the mom is the determinate of how well the child performs. Since the article spoke in generalizations, I’ll speak in generalizations as well. It is a perception that Chinese males are work-a-holics, leaving the raising and disciplining of the children to the mom. Wow! That stresses me out just putting on paper. I cannot imagine having the raising of 4 children exclusively on my shoulders. Gerald, my husband, and I have often times had to take a divide and conquer role with our children. Sometimes they needed dad, others mom. Math and music were always Gerald’s field, English and History more mine.
Chua claims that a Chinese mom expects their children to be perfect and even an “A-” is unacceptable. “For example, if a child comes home with an A-minus on a test, a Western parent will most likely praise the child. The Chinese mother will gasp in horror and ask what went wrong.” Furthermore, she states, “If a Chinese child gets a B—which would never happen—there would first be a screaming, hair-tearing explosion. The devastated Chinese mother would then get dozens, maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her child for as long as it takes to get the grade up to an A.” I want my children to succeed, but I also want them to have a life and social interaction with their peers.
While I do get onto my children about their grades and I do expect them to take ownership and work to improve sub “A” grades, I season it with compassion and try to give them the tools to be successful. Depending on the circumstances they may be grounded from television and/or games. “Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them. If their child doesn't get them, the Chinese parent assumes it's because the child didn't work hard enough. That's why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it.” I cannot fathom intentionally “shaming” my child. We have moved so many times and our kids have had to adjust to new schools and make new friends. I want our house to be a refuge. There are enough people out there knocking them down, they certainly don’t need me “shaming” them when they get home. We’ve hired tutors when necessary, spent extra time on homework, encouraged musical participation, then let them determine their other activities.
The valedictorian when my daughter graduated was a Chinese girl and scored a perfect 1600 on her SAT. While many universities accepted her, she was waitlisted at Harvard. I’m sure it must have disgraced her parents who didn’t even go to her high school graduation to hear her speech. In retrospect it wasn’t her ability to perform that kept her out of Harvard; it was her lack of well roundedness. While she wrote for the school newspaper, she did not have any other extra-curricular activities, no community service, and no positions of leadership. This article in the WSJ makes me understand her family a little more. While she was perfect in every other way, she lacked the humanity that contributes back to society probably because she was not permitted to participate in those activities. So while her parents may have been disappointed, it was their own fault that she had to “settle” for Cornell.
After I synthesized the article, I decided not to beat myself up about it. My children are incredible. My oldest child a graduate of Cornell University working for Teach for America. The next child is at University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and is the top drummer in the jazz program. He picked his own instrument and was never forced to practice 3 hours a day. Now I think he’s getting close to 3 hours a day but it’s only because he is passionate about music. The middle schooler is first chair bass in the orchestra and was a starter in football both 7th and 8th grade. (For my Texas friends this is a big deal because there is only one middle school team.) All 4 of my children were in the Academically Gifted programs. I have not forced them to practice their instruments. The boys have played video games. They have all tried many activities to see what really excites them. Gymnastics, football, soccer, bass, piano, viola, cheerleading, choir, drums, guitar, the list goes on and on. They also have read a plethora of books: classics, fantasy, historical fiction, Christian. They are well adjusted, respectful children who are generous and kind hearted. They know that their parents are their biggest fans and that we will love them no matter what. We do hold our children to a high standard, but it is season with compassion and grace. We are far from perfect, but our children know we don’t expect them to be perfect either.
